An NFL player defies macho football culture to talk about his depression, ADD

From The New York Times:

PHILADELPHIA — As reporters gathered earlier this month, Shawn Andrews, (pictured) a two-time Eagles Pro Bowl offensive lineman who has battled depression, was told that he seemed again to be his familiar cheery self. He did seem playful. He wore a rust-colored cockscomb haircut. And he stood in front of a locker that contained a football-shaped likeness of SpongeBob SquarePants, along with a photograph of his young son, JaShawn.

But he did not fully agree with the upbeat assessment.

“There’s some good and bad in there,” Andrews, 26, said of himself. “If you know the song ‘Tears of a Clown,’ that would kind of describe my past a little bit up to now.”

He almost began to sing before catching himself.

Later, in an interview May 3 at the Eagles’ minicamp, the 6-foot-5, 330-pound Andrews did something that athletes almost never do — especially offensive linemen in the N.F.L. who are shielded by helmets, pads and a macho culture that discourages any acknowledgment of vulnerability. He spoke at length about his struggles with depression, which he revealed last summer after holding out from training camp.

Andrews weighed 230 pounds by age 12 and said he had wrestled with his self-image for years, having been picked on because of his size and because he grew up poor in Camden, Ark. He said he received word before his rookie season in 2004 that a childhood friend was planning to have him killed over money. He said he had come to regret spending lavishly on expensive cars and other baubles that he now considered frivolous.

He said he felt overjoyed by the birth of his son 13 ½ months ago, but also worried whether he was ready to be a father, promising himself that he would be around for JaShawn in a way that his own father had not.

Perhaps most revealingly, Andrews said he believed that, to some extent, he was forced into football as a sixth grader because he was big, not because he particularly loved the sport. He said he had not watched a complete professional football game unless he was playing in it.

Having broken his right fibula in his rookie season and having missed most of last season with a back injury, Andrews said he worried that physical impairment from football might restrict him in the future from playing with his son. He will discourage JaShawn from participating in the sport, he said.

Andrews said he had seen a psychiatrist last summer in Little Rock, and then in Philadelphia, but that he was not currently undergoing counseling. He did say he was taking antidepressant medication, along with the drug Adderall to treat attention-deficit disorder.

He said he understood that some people had little sympathy for a highly paid professional athlete, that even some of his teammates might feel he was exaggerating, or using depression as an excuse for an indifference to football. “That’s fine,” he said. “I don’t work for them. They don’t pay my bills. They don’t take care of my family.”

He said he took gratification from a handful of players around the league who told him they felt similarly and from others who said they had been emboldened by his own admission.

“A lot of people say football should help you channel your anger and aggression,” Andrews said. “But it’s not as easy as people think it is.”

His support system has grown. The Eagles signed his older brother, Stacy, and his former college roommate at Arkansas, Jason Peters, to play alongside him on the offensive line. To accommodate the signings, Andrews has shifted to right tackle from right guard, at least for now. The moves were made for football reasons, not Andrews’s mental health, Coach Andy Reid said. Andrews said he was reluctant to bring up such issues with those closest to him because “I want an unbiased opinion.” Even so, he said, having his brother and Peters around “definitely feels comforting.”

Compared with last year, Andrews said, “I’m at a better point, mentally and physically.” Stacy Andrews said that Juan Castillo, the Eagles’ offensive line coach, remarked during the recent minicamp that he had seen Shawn laughing and having fun for the first time in a long while.

At the minicamp, Shawn joked easily with reporters. Asked to give his precise weight, he said, “I’m waiting to eat.”

He had long used humor, he later said, to compensate for a lack of self-assurance and an impoverished childhood. It is one of the reasons he identifies with SpongeBob SquarePants, a character who maintains a smile despite being picked on.

“It’s hard for a student to learn when you worry about who’s making fun of your clothes and who’s picking on you every single day,” Andrews said.

His mother, Linda, raised three sons on $300 a week at a job at the International Paper mill in Camden, Andrews said, then lost her job when the mill closed just as he entered the University of Arkansas. One day at practice, Andrews said, he burst out crying during stretching exercises and could not move. He left college early, saying he could not bear to see his mother struggle to keep the lights on.

After signing with the Eagles in 2004, he bought his mother a Mercedes-Benz and said he began to spend lavishly on himself, buying a Hummer, expensive jewelry and, later, a Rolls-Royce.

“I bought a whole bunch of things that I thought were going to boost who I really was, make people like me more, try to impress people versus being smart,” Andrews said. “I wasted $300,000 on a car. I was fortunate to get a grasp on myself before it became too late.”

Others began treating him differently, he said. Before his rookie season, he said that one longtime Arkansas friend asked him, “How much are you worth?” Then the friend asked for help in paying child support, rent and a car loan. After he declined, Andrews said, the friend invited him to a deer-hunting camp. Another friend later warned that he was being set up to be shot in what would look like a hunting accident, Andrews said.

The story could not be independently verified. Rich Moran, Andrews’s agent, said in an e-mail message that he had not heard of the incident.

As the 2008 season approached, Andrews said he found himself caught in a personal vortex. The birth of his son had brought excitement and some concern.

“I had a new obligation, and I’m going to fulfill it because of my past experience,” Andrews said, a reference to his growing up in a single-parent home.

At the same time, Andrews said his interest in football began to flag.

“I was partying, drinking to try to hide what was really going on,” he said. “Temporarily, it helped me. In the grand scheme, it really didn’t.”

He held out from training camp. The Eagles said they would fine him $15,000 a day. When Moran told him how much money he stood to lose, Andrews said his reaction was, “So what?”

Early last August, as rumors grew about his absence, Andrews told reporters that he was suffering from depression, had sought professional help and was taking medication. He eventually reported to the team, but played in only two games before sustaining a herniated disk in his back, which required surgery.

For a brief period last season, he said he stopped taking his medication.

“I was feeling great, I was like, this thing is over,” Andrews said. “Man, things went south. I’ve never been a big fan of medication, but at this point it’s very crucial for me.”

So far this off-season, Reid said, Andrews is “doing a great job.” Andrews said the move to tackle could rejuvenate his career.

Still, his renewed enthusiasm has been tempered by the fact that he has missed nearly two full seasons to injury.

“All the physical anguish I’ve been through, the thought of not being able to get up and play with my son, that really keeps my mind going every day,” Andrews said.

He sees some of his teammates dropping items and struggling to bend and pick them up.

“I don’t want to live like that,” Andrews said.