Morman moms ask others in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to be more understanding of children of disabilities

From The Salt Lake Tribune in Utah:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs a more systematic, comprehensive approach to understanding, supporting and spiritually feeding children with disabilities, five moms said Friday.

Fellow Mormons routinely look away from the disabled, especially those with autism, the moms said during a Sunstone Symposium session in Salt Lake City. They tend to talk down to all such children, even when the disability does not involve mental capacity. They proffer religious platitudes about how parents of special needs children must have earned the assignment by good behavior.

It doesn't have to be that way, the women said.

One Mormon bishop assigned six different members to watch an autistic child during part of Sunday services so the parents could get a break, said Amy Nelson, a mother of four, including an 11-year-old son with Asperger's syndrome and a 9-year-old son with autism.

She added the church has created a resource Web site, disabilities.lds.org, which, according to the site, was created "to offer support, comfort, and an increased level of acceptance toward those with disabilities."

Nelson's family, nonetheless, has struggled. "It is difficult to be the family whose child runs up and down the stand, turns on and off the lights, repeatedly flushes the toilet and so forth," she said. "People tend to blame the parents."

Some parents of the disabled ask whether church is worth the struggle.

For Jeni Grossman, the answer was a definite "no."

About 25 years ago, Grossman and her husband joined the LDS Church in part because Mormon missionaries taught them that "those born with physical disabilities were once valiant spirits in the pre-[mortal] existence" and that the Mormon priesthood "has the sole authority on Earth to heal in the name of Jesus Christ."

The bishop promised them their son Zachary -- who had spina bifida that left him unable to walk or run -- would be able to do so when he went on a mission at 19.

For the next 14 years, Grossman said, her son endured humiliations such as having to crawl up the steps to his Sunday school class because there was no ramp. When Zachary was ready for his mission, though, the bishop politely informed them the LDS First Presidency instructed bishops to stop sending the disabled on missions.

Their world collapsed, Grossman said, and they left the church. Their son has since earned a college degree in religious studies, traveled all over the world by himself and become a Catholic.

"With the Catholics, he finally felt God's love again," she said.

Elayne Potter Pearson, author of Learning to Dance in the Rain: A Mother's Holistic Approach to Helping Her Child with Down Syndrome and Autism , believed all the platitudes about her strength and the religious reasons for her daughter's condition. She became supermom personified, but the effort nearly drowned the family in chronic fatigue, perfectionism, anti-depression pills and addiction. Eventually, they turned to more natural means of coping with the stress of caring for Heidi, who, at 21, has returned to her sunny self.

"Both my marriage and her siblings survived what we call, 'Hurricane Heidi,'" Pearson said. "We all as a family healed."

Charlene Durham, whose son had serious development delays until he died at 8, urges people to remember that parents are individuals with multiple interests and their disabled children are more than their condition.

Ask parents how they are and be willing to hear the answer, she said. Do not presume you know how they're feeling.